God Fights for me
I’m really bad with dates, but some of them are engrained in my memory forever. December 4th, 2020 was one of them. My husband announced he would be staying with his parents for the weekend, and I didn’t know it but that was the last time we would ever live together. My friends and family knew my marriage was hard, but looking back I realize I had shut a lot of people out because it was so hard to be honest about. Especially to myself. I went into my closet and and said, “God, you’re not here.”
There would be harder moments after this one, but this one was so heavy for me because I felt like even God had left me. I begged Him for help, I begged him to change things, I begged him to heal my marriage. We had planned to decorate our Christmas tree with our daughter that day. One ornament was placed on the tree before he made his announcement. I remember feeling so jealous of my other mom friends that were happily celebrating the season with their families. Our problems felt so very different. How could this be what God wanted for me?
I sat in my closet feeling like all my clothes were caving in on me. I just had that same, repetitive thought over and over. “God, you’re not here.” I composed myself for my daughter and went back into the living room. Well, now what? I noticed out of the corner of my eye that my phone was lighting up, quite a bit. I checked it and couldn’t believe what was happening. Lots of my friends and family were checking in on me, because they just had this feeling. But more shockingly was three separate people texted me the EXACT same text- people that don’t even know each other. They all said, “Hey, you were on my mind tonight and I feel like I need to share this verse with you.” The verse? Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you and you need only to be silent.”
It was this little message that changed my theology of God completely. While everyone else is trying to decide who’s fault this divorce is, God was already at work to rescue me. I am not mad at anyone for their response to my divorce because I remember how I used to think about divorce before it afflicted me. As a christian, we don’t want to support anyone that is in the wrong and accidentally condone sin.
I didn’t know at that time that God himself is divorced. I didn’t know that God didn’t need me to tell him my story so he could make a judgement. I didn’t know that I was worth defending. I didn’t know that God was giving me a new heart. But I did realize that God saw me and He was in fact there. I felt simultaneously convicted that I was allowing myself to believe a lie about Him- and also deeply encouraged.
There were some very bizarre things that happened in my marriage and almost daily I would whisper under my breath, God, do you see this? In the moment I was sent all those texts, God whispered back to me. He saw everything and more. I always found it ironic that I would have to be rejected by man for me to see how truly deeply God loves me. Who am I that God would see me, speak to me, and fight for me? My whole life, I loved God but with this hole in my heart that I didn’t know how to address. I didn’t believe God really cared for me personally. I obviously would never say that or even know how to express that to myself. Yet here I was, in awe and disbelief of Gods love for me.
When I was married, I was brainwashed into believing untrue things about myself. God was about to set the record straight- but often times the way he works is through pain and suffering. If everything was fine all the time, I might have gone through life without really knowing God. I am certain that God is still grieved by my divorce but now I know that God was also grieved by the abuse in my marriage. Some marriages are absolutely worth saving and I pray that your marriage doesn’t fall apart because of hard hearts. But some marriages are worth being rescued from.
My theology didn’t allow for a divorce to be part of Gods plan because I didn’t understand Gods heart and his deep love for me. If you are reading this and going through a divorce- please know that you are more important to God than a marriage. God is the God of the individual and the only eternal covenant is with HIM. You matter. If your spouses heart has been hardened remember that God hardened Pharaohs heart to set his people free and to be their God. If you too have been rescued, remember to turn to God in praise and worship.
Maybe it doesn’t feel like a rescue yet, and that’s ok. One thing I know: if you are walking with God, he will work EVERYTHING out for your good and His glory. I still went to bed with a heavy heart. I will never forget how heavy those first few months were. But when I laid in bed that night, I had a certainty that God was with me and it gave me the strength I needed for that day, that little bit of Manna. December 4th 2020 was the day my husband left me, but it was also the day God came to me. I can say now: it is well with my soul. I am so thankful to know such a kind and loving God. I am thankful that he sees me and walks with me. Only God can take the worst thing that ever happened to you and fill your heart with gratitude. And I believe he will fight for you, too.
